Vietnam (The Joke’s On You)

November 10, 2011 /

VETNAM – the direct translation of which is “The Joke’s on You”. So I believe it to be; or maybe I just made that up.

I must say first that I by no means claim to be an expert on the country and do not aim to offend those countrymen who are decent honourable folk – very few of whom we seem to have met, unfortunately. So I see fit report as I experienced and you may accept and dismiss from it what you will.

From the minute you arrive you enter the big tourist mincer in one end and it spits you out on the other, short of cash, feeling violated and with severely diminished faith in humanity.

Forget about doing anything independently as this immediatly exposes you to a whole array of opportunities to get conned by a number of people. In Vietnam you are a TOURIST and you belong on a TOUR wherever you go: this means you pay a large sum up front for transport and specified stops, sights and attractions. The services rendered are rarely up to the standard described, some items are generally skipped or curtailed for one reason or another, and whatever you end up doing you’re bound to feel the grip of another tourist trap, with the preying Vietnamese openly ready to bleed you of another dollar and kick you out as soon as possible to make way for the next punter.

Unpleasant as this sounds, you’re almost sure to be rinsed of far more money and suffer significantly more frustration (from plain dishonesty, scams and things generally not working out the way you want them to) by venturing to travel here on your own whims, than if you had paid up front to be crooked on the tour-mincer. It’s really uncanny: sometimes we really got the feeling that everyone in town was part of the same plot to trick us so there was no one to turn to for a reality check.

I must admit we did have one reasonably good experience: a Mekong Delta boat tour from Can Tho organized through Ms Ha in Can Tho city for about US$50 (7 hours). The tour was pretty much as promised and though we did feel a bit tourist trapped (maybe a bit of lagging paranoia from previous misfortunes) we weren’t dragged through souvenir shops and it made for a nice day out on the river. (One thing that did occur to us though was that nobody seems to be trading any produce on the famous floating markets and the only thing that does change hands are pineapples for tourists… which every boat driver knows to prepare). Actually she even arranged our onward bus ride back to Saigon for us which was reliable. Thanks Ms Ha and co. (she’ll probably show up in your hotel lobby)

Do not expect a smile or kindness anywhere, exont), though even here friendly service is not guaranteed. Also be prepared that if you have already parted with your hard-earned cash in exchange for some service or item, fulfilment of the agreement is by no means certain and in more furtunate cases where it is, do not expect it to be to the standard or in the same form as promised. The reality is you’re out in the cold and your cries will fall on deaf ears and blank faces.

Nonetheless: I would encourage anyone currently in the trap to be firm and relentless in making your complaints heard and trying to fight for your right. These folks clearly take pleasure in making you suffer so it’s only right that they should experience some discomfort themselves! You may feel a bit embarrassed as all the other falangs (foreigners) in that tour bus or office stare silently into space as you rant at the employee, but remember: their uneasy faces only portray the result of their recent injuries in the tourist mincer.

To be fair I have to note an exception: the lovely family running a late night street food stall in Ben Tre looked after us very well. You folks are wonderful!

On the food front: I find it extremely puzzling why people come to Vietnam to partake in Vietnamese cooking lessons! Our culinary experiences from North to South, whether street food or -restaurant, were all very disappointing. Everything is slightly sweet and bland, meat tends to be rubbery and stone-hard kernels in your rice are always a cracking experience! To be honest you’d not be far off an improvement if you only knew how to make french fries from a freezer bag.

Well I think that sums it up really. Our experiences started with entry into Saigon, from there via bus South to Ben Tre and Can Tho and back to Saigon. Then by bus again to Hoi An for a short stay and onward to HaNoi. As we travelled northwards we found people becoming increasingly friendly and English-literate. In Hoi An the Sunflower Hotel was really nice (with pool) and the old town is a chilled out experience, however it does appear that there is nothing going on there except tourism: bars, souvenir shops, restaurants…

HaNoi feels far less threatening than SaiGon. We got a very nice room in the May De Ville Ho/s/tel and staff were helpful. The obvious excursion to do from here is a boat trip to Ha Long Bay. Prices are pretty steep, starting from about US$80 with variing durations and activities. We passed on this however. Some thorough digging through Internet customer reviews (looking at direct trips from HaNoi as well as an alternative travelling to Cat Ba island first) revealed 9 out of 10 customer’s experiences were either partial or complete nightmares. I may be ripped off again in the future but I’ll try my darnedest to ensure it’s not by a Vietnamese!
(As it happens though, Ben and Denise, a Dutch couple we befriended along the way, were pleased with their experience.)

So in conclusion, if you do decide to travel in Viertnam (to me this fits into the Stupid rather than the Crazy category), here’s my advice:

– Don’t trust anyone, get preferrably written itineraries and question into the finest detail! (Where does it stop, who is going to meet me,will I have to take a tuk-tuk, does it go directly to the center, how long will each item last, any additional fees, etc etc…)
– Hold on to your bus tickets, especially on connecting trips! They will try to take them from you but you’ll end up having to buy a new ticket for the next leg if you cannot show your receipt!
– Get a street map and compass pref. before you go somewhere or you’ll have no way of telling where you’re being taken.
– Check customer reviews for tours before you buy (tripadvisor etc are great sources)
– Don’t wear jewelleryand keep your things safe at all times
– SaiGon beer is good, Hanoi beer is ok, chew your rice carefully
– Have a drink in the dive bar in Hoi An

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31 Comments

  • Jutta Dehlinger

    December 6, 2011 at 7:55 am Reply

    Hello u 2, doesn´t sound to good, but very nice pictures, keep well and looking forward to the next pictures, bussi Jutta

  • kaizer

    December 8, 2011 at 9:23 am Reply

    Hi kids, i was planning to spend my retirement there, howerver, after you report I guess I will look for another spot.
    Go well mom&dad

  • Aunty Margot

    December 9, 2011 at 2:23 pm Reply

    Gott sei Dank, tut gut von euch wieder ein Lebenszeichen zu erhalten. Die Fotos einfach sagenhaft.Weiterhin alles Gute!Liebe Grüsse von der winterlichen Heimat.

  • AndyG

    December 9, 2011 at 5:22 pm Reply

    Yes, ditto to the above comments…some great photos once again.

    Had to laugh at the sign, specifically “People in the street pretending to be my brother or sister lie”….

    happy travels…

    • ken

      December 22, 2011 at 2:40 pm Reply

      Yo Clive, good to have you on board. Don’t know what my wits are up to lately but we’re still in two pieces and I guess that’s good news. Ah yes, alas, there is only one way to get on the road eh 😉 But it is nice once you’re there. T8k care.

    • ken

      December 22, 2011 at 2:45 pm Reply

      Gruess euch. Ja, man hoert sich. Sind eben in Koh Phi Phi – hat sich ueber die Zeiten sicherlich um Einiges geaendert… momentan Hochsaison und wir spueren das Ganze nich so, also hauen wir in den naechsten Paar Tagen ab nach Koh Lanta, wo’s wein Wenig gemuetlicher sein sollte! Werden sobald moeglich ein Paar Fotos uploaden. Hoff bei euch ist alles roger. Frohe Weihnachten und guten Rutsch!

  • Jutta Dehlinger

    December 23, 2011 at 8:35 am Reply

    Hi Ebru and Ken, hope you are well and have a nice time. The Dehlingers want to wish you merry xmas and a happy new year. Keep well be careful and looking forward to hear from you soon. Bussi Jutta, Olaf, Shannon-Siobhan und Niklas

    • ken

      December 25, 2011 at 8:41 am Reply

      Hi Dehlingers, thanks for the message and very happy Christmas wishes to you. Olaf a belated happy 50th to you, just spoke to my parents and they said they were there for your party – sorry I couldn’t make it as work is really hectic at the moment 😉
      xxx

    • ken

      December 25, 2011 at 8:45 am Reply

      Hi! Sind schon durch Chiang Mai -> Bangkok und dann auf Koh Tao und Koh Phi Phi, wo’s uns nicht so sehr gefiel, es wimmelte nur von touristen. Haben uns aber eine Nacht alleine auf nem kleinen Strand auf Phi Phi gegoennt 🙂 Sind nun auf Koh Lanta und hier ist es wunderbar entspannt! Frohe Weihnachten und guten Rutsch!

    • ken

      December 28, 2011 at 3:02 pm Reply

      Wir sind nun auf der Suedwestlichen seite von Koh Lanta Yai, der Strand heisst Khlong Nin. Wunderschoen gemuetlich hier. Haben heute einen “visa run” nach Malaysien gemacht und sind nun wieder da, und werden Neujahr hier verbringen. 🙂 Gruesse!

  • Baron & Baroness

    December 29, 2011 at 10:30 am Reply

    wart ihr auch schon am klong dao(1.beach)
    -ist immer unser hausstrand-wir waren immer bei “hans restaurant”u.bei scenic bungalows
    dort kannst du mit meinen freunden beachtennis spielen . schau mal rein bei you tube unter beachtennis 2010 koh lanta.
    liebe grüsse andine frau

    • ken

      January 19, 2012 at 2:51 pm Reply

      Hi! wir sind mittlerweile in Yogyakarta, Java, Indonesien. Recht interessant, freundliche leut. Lanta war ein Traum. Leider sind wir nicht an den Noerdlichen Strand gekommen aber in Khlong Nin hat’s uns sehr gefallen. Auf 2 tage in Phuket, danach, haetten wir aber verzichten koennen. Hoffe euch geht’s gut!

  • Dan Holley

    April 23, 2012 at 11:38 am Reply

    This is truly inspiring! I am currently at the start of a similar project myself, though I shan’t be going anywhere for at least over a year! I hope you’re still enjoying your travels and learning much as go!

    I am curious as to how much money you had saved up for this venture. I have been in Canada for one year, but I was working so didn’t REALLY need to save that much up! Any rough figures…? Thanks and take care!

    • ebru

      April 23, 2012 at 9:16 pm Reply

      Hi Dan,
      thank you for reading. Yes, we are still enjoying and it is all part of travelling experience, we do not expect to be things to be so perfect at all.
      Money matters: It really depends what you want to do and how you want to do. We budgeted £250 per week per person and before buying or doing anything, always shopped around and of course haggled. Some countries like India, Lao we did not spend that much but countries like Singapore, Hong kong were very expensive so stay less in these places. I recommend you to read up Lonely Planet South East Asia, study maps and learn as much as you can about the countries transport system then you can enjoy more! Let me know if you know any more questions:)
      Love
      Ebru

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